I Would Do Anything For Loaf… Especially If There’s Cheese

This was Meat Loaf’s lesser known hit about my Cheesy Turkey Meatloaf. Ok, maybe I just made that up. But it could’ve been if he’d ever tried it. Moving along now…

Hi! I know it’s been a while since I’ve blogged. I just haven’t been in the mood to do much cooking lately, mostly because I’m training to run a 10 mile race in a couple weeks, therefore, I’m pretty hurty and angry a lot. I do not advise anyone to take up running. Seriously. I’m not kidding about this. Anyway… Yesterday was Mother’s Day! And although I’m not a Mom, I felt inspired to make some Mom-like comfort food in the form of my soon-to-be-famous-this-side-of-the-Mississippi-or-maybe-just-in-my-book-club Cheesy Turkey Meatloaf! It’s just like regular meatloaf, except way better, because it’s mine, so it just is. And there’s cheese involved. Don’t fight it. Just go with it.

Mmmm… Cheese.

A few notes here:

1. I use 93/7 ground turkey, because once you add all the melty delicious cheese, this sucker’s got plenty of fat. Trust me. But feel free to fatten it up with ground beef if it makes you happy. This is comfort food, not sad, skinny person food.

2. Most people use bread crumbs in their meatloaf, but not this girl. Nope. I pound the shit out of pretzels and use those. Trust me. It sounds weird, but it gives it a little somethin’ somethin’. Again… Just go with it. I’m totally an expert here. I have a Girl Scout badge somewhere in a box, along with my Debbie Gibson cassettes.

3. You may be tempted to just grab a bag of shredded cheese and toss it in as a shortcut. DON’T DO IT, LAZY!!! Sorry I yelled. But really, you need the chunks o’ cheese to create melty cheese pockets, and also, any straggler cubes that end up at the top of the meatloaf when you put it in the oven get all caramelized and delicious, and I don’t know about you guys, but I would strongly consider marrying caramelized cheese were it legal. It’s totally not weird. Also, feel free to use any type of hard cheese you’d like. I use Colby-Jack because I like my cheese like I like my men: Sharp and flavorful. And easy to pop into my mouth after chopping. Whoa. That sounded wrong. Onto the recipe!

Paula’s Cheesy Turkey Meatloaf

Prep time: 15 minutes or thereabouts

Cooking time: 1 hour

Stuff you need:

• 2 pounds ground turkey
• 1 cup milk
• 2 eggs
• 1-1/2 cups pretzel crumbs
• 3/4 pound Colby-Jack, or whatever kind of cheese tickles your pickle, chopped into cubes

What to do:

1. Preheat oven to 400 degrees.
2. Dump first 4 ingredients into large bowl. Super easy, right? At this point you can either mix with some sort of super strong spoon, or you can do what my momma always taught me- Just dig into that meat with your bare hands, like the cavemen did when they made meatloaf. That happened, right? Grunting noises optional. But way fun.
3. Once mixed, fold in cubes of cheese until distributed evenly throughout.
4. Throw it all into a loaf pan, and pop into the oven for 60 minutes.
5. Remove from oven and let rest for 5 minutes, just so all the delicious fatty juices soak back up. Fat is yummy.
6. Slice n’ serve!

Shit, I’m writing this at 8:00am, and now I want meatloaf for breakfast. This could be a bad situation.

Lemon Heaven

A couple weekends ago, Mr. Ahi Tuna man did the worst thing he could possibly do: He brought up lemon squares in conversation. Ok, maybe that’s not the WORST thing he could do. I mean, it’s not like he wore Crocs on a date or something. But you know what I mean. It did, however, remind me that I haven’t had a lemon square in an unacceptable amount of time, and caused me to have a mild lemon bar recipe obsession, and maybe a couple dreams about bathing in lemony topping. Which is totally not weird at all. Pssh.

So I decided that lemon squares must be mine.

Oh yes.

They will be mine.

And they were.

I shared, though, because I’m nice like that, and it WAS Mr. Ahi Tuna Man’s idea, and I guess he’s nice sometimes, except when he dumps milkshakes directly in my lap and stuff.

Dislaimer: It’s quite possible that upon finishing these lemon squares, you MAY want to sit down with a tall vodka & cranberry, and immediately shove four of them in your mouth. Not that I did that. Nope. But you have been warned.

Paula’s Lemon Squares

Prep time: Between the crust and the filling, meh, about 20 minutes.

Baking time: Altogether, 50 minutes or thereabouts. This is a very technical blog, obviously.

Stuff you need:

For the crust:

• 12 tablespoons butter, melted and cooled slightly (Salted or unsalted butter, whatever you prefer. I can never tell a big difference. Butter’s butter where I come from.)
• ½ cup sugar
• 1 teaspoon lemon zest
• ½ teaspoon salt
• 1 teaspoon vanilla
• 2 cups all-purpose flour

 For the lemon goo:

• 1-1/2 cups sugar
• 3 tablespoons all-purpose flour
• ½ teaspoon salt
• 2 teaspoons lemon zest
• ¾ cup lemon juice (You may be able to get away with the stuff in a bottle, but I do not recommend it at all. I cannot guarantee they will come out delicious. I just squeezed the crap out of 5 lemons with my strong, Hulk-like hands.)
• 2 – 3 tablespoons powdered sugar, just for dusting the tops after they’re done

 What to do:

1. Preheat oven to 325 degrees.
2. Line a 13×9 metal pan with aluminum foil, and make the edges overhang so you can lift the bars out easily later. Coat sides of foil with cooking spray so the lemon goo won’t stick.
3. In a medium bowl, dump the sugar, salt, lemon zest, and vanilla, and use a fork to mix it all together until it’s sort of moist and crumbly. Throw in your flour and butter, and continue mashing it all up with a fork until it’s a crumbly dough.
4. Press dough evenly into the bottom of your 13×9 pan, then poke some fork holes all over, just so no bothersome air bubbles happen. Lemon bar air bubbles would be a disaster. A DISASTER!! Sorry I yelled. Ok, now stick that pan in the freezer for about 5 minutes to firm up the dough a bit.
5. Once the dough is sufficiently chill (Duuuuude. That freezer was bitchin’. *dough takes drag off cigarette*), bake in preheated over for 25 – 30 minutes, until slightly golden.
6. While your dough is baking, make the lemon goo! Basically, you just stir together the dry ingredients and the lemon zest, then whisk in your eggs and lemon juice. Ta-da! Lemon goo! Easy peasy, lemon squeezy. Haha! Sorry. Moving along…
7. Once crust is done, remove it from oven and raise your temp to 350 degrees.
8. Pour lemon goo on the crust, and return to the oven to bake for another 20 – 25 minutes, until you can shake shake shake the pan and the lemon goo doesn’t shake shake shake with it.
9. Cool bars completely. If you’re really impatient (or really hungry), you can put them in the fridge to speed things up.
10. Once cool, lift out of the pan using your overhanging foil. If you skipped that part, you are now just screwed. Haha! Anyhooo… Peel away the foil and chop your big hunk o’ lemon into cute little squares, however big you want to make ‘em. You’re in charge of your own lemon bar destiny. Dust with powdered sugar, and you are now ready to shove multiple lemon bars into your face. Again, not that I did that. Gotta run now.

You’re welcome.

Suddenly Salmon

I have a confession to make.

In 4^th grade, I changed the word ‘hit’ to ‘shit’ in a large number of school library books. I blame my three delinquent older brothers for this, fully. But that’s not really what I wanted to confess. Although, I do feel like a weight has been lifted. Thanks for being my priest, guys.

Anyway, what I REALLY wanted to confess is that I. Hate. Salmon. Along with most other fish that appears to be delicious and that I really, really WANT to like, but every time I’ve tasted it, I’ve immediately had to spit it into a napkin as soon as that disgusting fishy taste hit my tastebuds. As you can imagine, this has gotten me blacklisted from many a fancy dinner party. That, and the fact I typically end up with a lampshade on my head. Whatever. What the hell are lampshades for anyway? Lamps? Psssh. Why are they so hat-shaped then? It’s very confusing.

Shhhhh… The fish are sleeping.

But I’m getting off on a tangent now, when my real purpose for being here is to report that I’ve experienced a miracle! And not like that one time I found a Jesus-shaped Pringle. NO! This is bigger! You see, in an effort to eat healthier (In between weeks of eating bacon and gravy and French fries and tacos.), I decided to give salmon another shot. I was determined to like it, damn it, and to bask in the healthiness of all those Omega 3s. And BEHOLD! A delicious baked salmon dish was born! And holy shit, it’s delicious. Not to mention simple, and not even remotely fishy-tasting. And when I say that, I really mean it, because I am very fishy-taste sensitive. Girl Scout’s honor. I think I got kicked out of Girl Scouts for stealing Thin Mints, but still. Trust me.

Here’s how you do it!

 Salmon-In-A-Packet 

(That’s sorta fun to say real fast.)

Prep time: Approximately 4.3 minutes.

Cooking time: 20 minutes. That’s it! Super fast and easy. Like your mom. HAHAHAHAHAHA! Sorry. Anyhooo…

Stuff you need (This recipe is for only 2 filets, but you can make more, too, if you’re real hungry. I did. I ain’t ashamed.):

• 2 large rectangles of parchment paper, at least double the size of each filet
• 2 – 6 oz fresh salmon filets
• 1 lemon, sliced
• 4 – 6 sprigs fresh rosemary
• Salt, pepper, garlic powder to taste

 What to do:

1. Preheat oven to 400 degrees.
2. Salt, pepper, and garlic salmon filets on each side, and place in center of parchment paper square.
3. Place rosemary sprigs on top of filets, followed by lemon slices.
4. Fold up and crimp edges of parchment paper, creating a cozy, sealed salmon packet.
5. Place packets in a large glass pan, or rimmed cookie sheet, whatever you got, and bake for 20 minutes.
6. Remove from oven, carefully remove filets from packet, get rid of the lemon and rosemary (Or keep ‘em on there for presentation if you wanna be super fancy, but I wouldn’t recommend eating them.), and chow down on the moist flaky, non-fishy fish! You won’t be sorry.

I can’t believe I just used the word ‘moist’. I hate that word. But it really is moist. I can’t think of another word. Steamy? Wet? Neither of those sounds good either. Gotta go.

Where’s The Beef?

Mmmmm… Butter.

Well, Mr. Ahi Tuna Man decided to jet set off to Key West for the weekend (The nerve of him!), so I was left to my own devices for Sunday night dinner. What to do… What to do? Well, luckily I had a little horseradish sauce and some cute little Yukon Gold potatoes left over from a quick mid-week salmon meal (Side note: I hate salmon normally, but this crap was delicious. I should’ve taken pictures and written down how I made it, but I was sick with a very bad cold, and I was also very hungry and had little patience for these things in my sinus pressurey state. Someone may have gotten hurt. Next time. I promise.), so I did what any red-blooded American woman would do in this situation: I bought myself a giant hunk of red meat.

*insert manly grunts that are still sorta somehow feminine-like here, like if Wilma Flintstone grunted over a Brontosaurus Burger*

DON’T LOOK AT ME, PERVERT! I’M SKINNY DIPPING!!

I’ve never been a big fan of the beef roast, because I used to have a tendency to dry it out and be required to then dump a giant puddle of Worcestershire sauce on it, but NO MORE! I discovered the secret to great beef roast. Wanna know it? Come closer. A little closer. *forehead flick* HAHAHAHAHAHA! Gotcha! Anyhoo… I discovered the answer is to keep it simple, stupid. No, you’re not stupid. It was an expression. You’re just a little slow. And that’s ok. So like I was saying, a little butter, a little soy, bada-boom bada-bing (Or some other less Italian expression, because this is beef, not pasta, silly.), and here you have it!

Here’s My Beef!

Prep time: Stupidly fast.

Cooking time: 50 minutes or so, depending how bloody you want your hunk o’ red meat.

 Stuff you need:

• 2 – 3 lb beef tenderloin roast
• ½ cup melted butter
• ¾ cup soy sauce

 What you do:

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
2. Combine butter n’ soy in small bowl
3. Throw beef roast in a shallow glass baking pan.
4. Dump butter mixture directly on top of roast. Make noises like your beef roast is having a lovely day at the pool.
5. Stick it in the preheated oven for 10 minutes or thereabouts, then flip that puppy over so the other side gets some buttery soy sauce lovin’.
6. Continue baking for 35 minutes or so, or to desired doneness, basting occasionally with all the fattening and delicious butter, because butter is our friend. Write that down.
7. Let your meat rest (Because it’s exhausting swimming in soy.) for 10 minutes or so.
8. Slice that sucker up and enjoy that meat in your mouth.

 BUT WAIT! There’s more!

 As an added bonus, here’s the recipe for my horseradish sauce, because it’s really pretty yummy with this:

• ¾ cup sour cream
• ¼ cup prepared horseradish
• 1 teaspoon minced fresh dill
• A little lemon zest (I didn’t measure it, really, I just zested that sucker until it looked about right. Don’t make it too lemony, because gross. Don’t screw it up! No pressure.)

 Combine all the stuff in a bowl, and that is all!

Saucing up your meat is completely optional. But I highly recommend it.

Thank you.

You Feta Eat All Your Veggies! (See what I did there? I kill me.)

So, after a couple months or so of hopping on and then falling off the healthy eating wagon, Mr. Ahi Tuna Man (Yes, he’s still around. I’m telling you, he keeps feeding me martinis and I just can’t bring myself to give him the boot. Plus, he’s sorta cute. Don’t tell him I said that.) and I decided to go full-on Sunday night healthy this week. Go us! Can I get a “WHAT WHAT!” for some whole grains and veggies?!?!?

 

*crickets*

 

Ok, ok, I’ll admit it’s not nearly as exciting and drool-inducing as stuff loaded with fatty sauces and cheese and bacon (Mmmm… bacon.), but this is actually really freakin’ tasty, if I do say so myself. I also didn’t even feel like a giant lard ass after eating it. That’ll come this weekend when I shove some poutine in my face. I’m all about being healthy, guys. Clearly. I wonder if I could do a quinoa and brown rice poutine? Hmm… Whole grains and cheese curds and gravy. Oh my. I’ll have to sleep on this.

 

Anyway, here’s something healthy for you guys! Something to make you feel good, for those days after you overeat short ribs and drink too many girly martinis. Not that I did that Saturday night. Nope. Not me. Gotta run.

 

You Feta Eat All Your Veggies! Bowl

 

Prep/Cooking time: This all depends how fancy you wanna get. I roasted my own red pepper and may have caused a small kitchen fire, so it took longer than normal. Start to finish for me, excluding fire extinguishing, was 30 minutes or so.

 

Stuff you need:

• I used a pre-packaged brown rice/quinoa blend, but you could really use any healthy whole grain you want to- Quinoa, brown rice, couscous, whole wheat pasta, yada yada. You get the point. Just no Captain Crunch. That would not be tasty at all.
• 1 tablespoon olive oil
• 2 cups fresh mushrooms, sliced
• 4 cups fresh baby spinach
• 6 oz chicken breast, cooked and cubed (You can leave this out if you wanna go all hard core vegetarian-like. Weirdo.)
• 1 roasted red pepper, chopped (I made my own by charring it on the stove and then peeling and chopping it, but you can get the jarred ones if you want. I’ll only look down upon you a little bit.)
• ¼ cup jarred marinated artichoke hearts, drained and chopped
• ¾ cup kalamata or black olives, whole (I recommend buying the pitted kind, because one time I chipped a tooth unsuspectingly biting into a kalamata pit at a Greek wedding and had to repair it with cake frosting. Shit got weird.)
• 1 cup crumbled feta cheese
• Minced garlic, sea salt, pepper, red pepper flakes to taste 

What to do:

1. Cook whatever whole grain stuff you got according to package instructions, set aside.
2. Dump the EVOO (Extra virgin olive oil. Sorry I went all Rachael Ray there. You can kick my ass if you want now.) into a giant  wok-like pan, or whatever big pan you have that’ll fit a crapload of fresh baby spinach.
3. Toss in the sliced  mushrooms and sauté on medium-high heat, stirring ‘em around occasionally, until they start to brown a bit.
4. Dump your spinach in the same pan and sauté, again stirring around occasionally, until it’s all cooked down and wilty. Reduce heat to low.
5. Throw in the cooked and sliced chicken, roasted red pepper, chopped artichokes, kalamatas, and quinoa stuff; Cook, stirring frequently, just for about 2 or 3 minutes, just until hot, but not ‘scald your face off’ hot. Remove from heat.
6. Throw in the crumbled feta, minced garlic, salt n’ pepa and stuff, and mix it all together until it’s way yummy.
7. Spoon into bowls and go to Healthy Town.

 

I’m so technical, huh? I should really have my own Food Network show. This is some fancy ‘mix until it’s way yummy’ stuff happening right here.

I’m Here! I’m Here! Wait! Don’t Leave!

Happy Wednesday, five people who read my blog! Hey… Looks like I have a couple new blog followers… There may even be SIX of you by now! Holy cats!

Anyway, I bet a lot of you are wondering where I’ve been. I know, it’s probably keeping you up at night. I get that a lot. Well you see, I met this handsome gentleman on Hollywood Boulevard last week, and he paid me $3,000 to spend the week with… Hang on… Is this the plot to Pretty Woman? Oh man, I get us confused all the time. However, I did sing a Prince song in the bathtub last night, so Vivian the hooker and I are practically the same person. Except I’m prettier. And I probably cook way better. And that whole getting paid for sex thing. Whatever. In all reality, I just haven’t been doing much cooking lately because I’ve been dieting, and surviving on couscous and smoothies, and those are just no fun to blog about. I’m also so weak that I can barely lift my poor little shriveled and starving hands to type this. I can button my jeans now, though, so there’s that.

(Insert cry for help here.)

I promise I’ll be back soon with lots of delicious and super healthy (Well… sorta. Maybe. Not likely, actually.) recipes, as well as stories about Mr. Ahi Tuna Man and all the help he gives me in the kitchen by watching me open things, forgetting to buy lemons, and occasionally shredding cheese for me so I don’t shred my knuckles into the mozzarella again. I’m pretty sure that’s a selfish move on his part. But PFFFFFFFFFFFT (infinite Fs)- You could hardly taste the blood in that last pizza. Such a whiner he is.

I just wanted to pop in and say I’m ok and to put all of your minds at ease. You’re welcome.

And here is a picture of my dog eating my high heel, which probably has more flavor than my lunch today.

Olé! It’s January!

Happy New Year, loyal readers! Umm… All five of you. It’s so depressing when the holidays are over, isn’t it? But holy shit, I think I gained approximately 42 pounds over the holidays, so it’s good to be back to our regularly scheduled programming, I suppose. So, in light of the fact that all I can currently fit into is stretchy pants, Mr. Ahi Tuna Man and I have decided to cook some healthy stuff for a while. Nothing crazy like tofu or quinoa or anything of a hippie vegetarian nature, don’t worry. Let’s not get nuts here. Although, I will admit that I have eaten both tofu and quinoa in the past, and I suppose they aren’t THAT bad. Especially covered in melted Velveeta and bacon.

Anyhoo…

After the craziness of the holidays, Mr. Ahi Tuna Man and I, after taking an unavoidable hiatus from our usual biweekly lazy Sundays, finally had a lazy Sunday last weekend! And what goes better with a frigid Midwest winter lazy Sunday than some spicy meat in a crock pot, huh? And margaritas. I suppose, in retrospect, maybe margaritas may have defeated the purpose of a healthy meal, but whatever. They were light. Stop judging us.

Here we go, folks!

 Cinco De January-O Crock Pot Carnitas!

 Prep time: 15 minutes, give or take

Cooking time: 8 hours in da pot, then a few minutes of post-pot pork shredding

 Ingredients:

• 2 – 2-1/2 pound pork shoulder roast (Technically, I think you should probably trim off the fatty parts because they are bad, but I didn’t want to shock my body with lack of fat, so I did not. Trim the fat if you wish, skinny bastards.)
• Minced garlic
• Cumin
• Dry adobo seasoning
• Garlic powder
• 1 cup chicken broth
• 3 – 4 chipotle peppers in adobo sauce (Or more if you want it WAY spicy so your body will go into inferno mode and burn off the margaritas. That’s what I did. I’m pretty sure it worked. Ok, probably not. It was worth a try, though.)
• 2 bay leaves
  

  Mmm… Meat.

1.  Fire up a skillet on the stovetop at about medium-high heat, and give the pork roast a good sear on all sides. If you’re like me, you will place the pork on its side and it will fall over repeatedly before you resign yourself to the fact you will probably have to stand and hold it there with tongs. Once it’s got a pretty brown sear on all sides, remove from heat and let it cool until you can rub it without having to go to the ER with first degree pork burns.
2. Once cool, cut 6 or 7 small holes into the pork roast using a sharp kitchen knife; Poke minced garlic into holes with your fingers. You can make, “TAKE THAT, PORK ROAST!” sounds as you do this if you wish. I did. Also, make sure your fingers are clean. Nobody likes to be poked with dirty fingers. Season with cumin, adobo seasoning, and garlic powder, and rub that puppy like it’s your new porky boyfriend and you’re giving him a birthday massage.
3. Pour chicken broth into crock pot, then add the chipotles and bay leaves. Throw the pork in the crock pot and cover with lid. Cook on low for 8 hours, periodically flipping the pork roast so all the yummy chipotle flavor will seep into both sides.
   

   Mmm… More meat.

4. After about 8 hours (Ok, ok… I couldn’t wait the whole 8 hours. I only cooked mine 7. Or 6-1/2. I blame my growling stomach and the scent of chipotle.), remove the pork roast from the crock pot, and fish out the bay leaves if you can find ‘em. Shred the pork with a couple of forks, then dump all the shredded meat back in the pot to mix with all the spicy shit still in there. Let it cook another 10 – 15, then you’re good to make some tacos! Or a big unhealthy pile of spicy meat covered with avocado and cheese and sour cream. Not that I’d ever do that sort of thing. Nope. Not this girl. All healthy, all 2015. Or at least until Friday. Maybe.

   

   Pork! Olé!

Best. Carrot Cake. Ever. (No, seriously. I’m not kidding.)

I once told myself that I would never, ever share my super secret carrot cake recipe with anyone. But I’ve recently decided that good cake is a gift I should not keep to myself. So, here I am. Giving it away for free to the four people who read this blog. You’re welcome.

So, Christmas Eve with Mr. Ahi Tuna Man’s mom was a success! I think. We both had some Fireball and wine in us (I’m aware this does not sound like a good combo, but nothing bad occurred after, so I think it’s all good.), we watched a musical, sang some songs about trolleys, spilled some wine, chatted, and… Then came the best part: The cake. Now, I’ve come across many a restaurant and bakery in my day that have claimed to have THE best carrot cake ever, and I’ve taken a bite of their poor excuse for carrot cake and spit it back in their faces. Ok, not really. But I definitely made an angry face and stormed out of the establishment in a huff, for sure.

So, here we go, folks! You may have my recipe. Go. Go forth and do some carrot cake goodness.

Best Carrot Cake Ever! (Not That Other Crap People Claim Is The Best)

Prep time: Meh. 30 minutes or so. Depends how fast of a carrot grater you are.

Baking time: 30 – 35 minutes

Ingredients:

• 1 can unsweetened crushed pineapple (8 oz)
• 2 cups shredded carrots (Luckily, I have a handy KitchenAid shredding attachment, otherwise you need to shred the old-fashioned way with a cheese grater. And I’ve lost many a shred of finger this way. I don’t recommend it. I’ve unknowingly turned some of my carrot cake eaters into cannibals. Shhh. Don’t tell anyone.)
• 4 eggs (at room temperature)
• 1 cup sugar
• 1 cup packed brown sugar
• 1 cup vegetable oil (I once used corn oil, though, because I had no vegetable oil, and I panicked. But it was still delicious.)
• 2 cups all purpose flour
• 2 teaspoons baking soda
• 2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
• 1 teaspoon allspice
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
• 3/4 cups chopped walnuts (Totally optional. I’ve gone nutless many a time to please the nut allergy crowd.)

For the frosting:

Ok, I have a confession. I have a cream cheese frosting recipe. However, as a time saver, since we’ve established I’m lazy, I typically just use 2 tubs of the Duncan Hines Whipped Cream Cheese frosting. I know, I know… I’m not proud. But seriously, I’ve passed it off as made from scratch before. The Pillsbury Whipped works as well. Nobody can tell. And why should I waste my Goddamn time making it from scratch when I can just dump it and spread it? HUH??? STOP JUDGING ME!!!

Let’s just move along, k? Good talk.

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grease a couple 8″ round pans, or a 9×13 rectangular. Whatever floats your boat.
2. In a large bowl, beat together pineapple, carrots, sugars, oil, and pineapple until well blended.
3. This is where I’m supposed to tell you to mix the flour and stuff together in a separate bowl and THEN mix it with the pineapple stuff, but I never do. I dump and mix. So do what you want. We all know it ends up together anyway. Like Bo and Hope. Except there’s no theme music. There should be, though.
4. Stir in your nuts at the end. If you feel like a nut. Sometimes you don’t.
5. Bake for 30 – 35 minutes or until a toothpick comes out clean. If you baked these in 2 round pans, let them cool before you remove them from the pan. Trust me. I’ve mourned the loss of many a broken carrot cake layer by trying to take it out too soon. Learn from my mistakes, people.
6. Once cool, frost ’em! If you insist on making cream cheese frosting, I’m sure there are recipes all over the interwebs. But for me, premade works just fine. I ain’t fancy. Do what you want. I ain’t your momma.
7. Eat one piece.
8. Send remaining pieces to me.
9. Thank you.

Every Day I’m Trufflin’

So, Mr. Ahi Tuna Man and I have now been dating a few months, so we’ll be spending Christmas Eve together, cooking stuff, and I will be forcing him to watch my dumb Christmas musicals, and…

*dramatic pause*

I will be meeting his mother.

*insert screams of terror here*

It’s not that I don’t WANT to meet his mother. I mean, I’m sure she’s a very nice lady, seeing as how she produced such a fine young gentleman (albeit a fogetter of lemons); However, I don’t do well with mothers, or with family members in general, particularly ones that don’t drink much and I am unable to make them like me by just getting them intoxicated. I mean, what the hell else do I have? I suppose there’s always my charming personality. And, my secret weapon: You Put Your Toffee In My Chocolate! Truffles.

These suckers are seriously stupidly easy to make, but holy shit, they are chocolate ganache melty deliciousness, and they happen to appear pretty impressive in a lovely ‘Hey Mr. Ahi Tuna Man’s Mom, please like me’ suck up gift basket.

Let’s hope these work. Pray for me.

You Put Your Toffee In My Chocolate! Truffles

Prep time AND cooking time: Ridiculously fast. Like, 15 minutes. I told you, stupidly easy.

Ingredients:

• 10 ounces dark chocolate (I just used a bag of Ghiradelli dark chocolate chips. And only ate 2. Or 3. Or 6. Whatever.)
• 1/2 cup heavy cream
• 2 tablespoons unsalted butter
• 1 bag Heath toffee bits, smashed until they’re little and you can roll truffles in them. Know what I mean? Teeny tiny toffee tidbits. Say that 10 times fast.
• 1 – 2 teaspoons sea salt

1. Throw chocolate chips into a medium-sized bowl. Try not to eat them all.
2. Dump your cream and butter into a small saucepan over low heat on the stove. Let the cream/butter simmer just until it starts to boil, then remove from heat.
3. Pour the hot cream (That sounds kinda dirty, I know.) over your chocolate chips, and let it sit a minute or so until the chocolate starts screaming, “I’M MELTING!!!”. Or until you see it start melting. Whichever comes first. Stir until it’s a delicious-looking bowl of smooth chocolate that you want to put your face in.
4. Chill in the fridge for at least 5 hours.
5. Have a couple drinks. Take a nap. Watch some porn. Do some laundry. Take a shower. Do whatever it is you do for 5 hours.
6. After 5 hours, it’s time to roll some chocolate balls! It’s easiest to do this if you have a melon baller. If you don’t, then I dunno what to tell you. Go find one. Haha! Or I suppose you could just use regular spoons, but it’ll be much more difficult to get them round-like. I prefer the baller route. So, scoop out some chocolate with your baller and put it on a plate or something. Don’t shape it into a ball just yet- we’ll do that later.
7. After you’ve balled all the balls you can ball and they’re all sitting there nicely on a plate, you can use your hands to shape them into perfect chocolate orbs. Helpful hint: You may want to keep some frozen veggies or something handy to cool your hands down in between chocolate shaping, because hands are hot, and chocolate is melty. I like to give some frozen peas a good squeeze in between rounds to cool my hot hands a little.
8. Mix the Heath bits and sea salt together in a bowl. Take your perfect chocolate balls and roll ’em and roll ’em in the Heath pieces until they’re all coated and pretty.
9. Store in an airtight container in the fridge, but they’re best eaten at room temp because they’re sorta gooey and stuff that way.
10. Hope that Mr. Ahi Tuna Man’s mom likes them.

Side note: You don’t have to use Heath pieces, I just really like them. You can get creative and coat your truffles with cocoa, or crushed peppermints, or nuts, or sprinkles, or smooshed-up Red Hots, or pretzel bits, or… or… Whoa. There’s too many potential coatings. I just blew my own mind.

Gotta go.