I Would Do Anything For Loaf… Especially If There’s Cheese

This was Meat Loaf’s lesser known hit about my Cheesy Turkey Meatloaf. Ok, maybe I just made that up. But it could’ve been if he’d ever tried it. Moving along now…

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Hi! I know it’s been a while since I’ve blogged. I just haven’t been in the mood to do much cooking lately, mostly because I’m training to run a 10 mile race in a couple weeks, therefore, I’m pretty hurty and angry a lot. I do not advise anyone to take up running. Seriously. I’m not kidding about this. Anyway… Yesterday was Mother’s Day! And although I’m not a Mom, I felt inspired to make some Mom-like comfort food in the form of my soon-to-be-famous-this-side-of-the-Mississippi-or-maybe-just-in-my-book-club Cheesy Turkey Meatloaf! It’s just like regular meatloaf, except way better, because it’s mine, so it just is. And there’s cheese involved. Don’t fight it. Just go with it.

Mmmm... Cheese.

Mmmm… Cheese.

A few notes here:

1. I use 93/7 ground turkey, because once you add all the melty delicious cheese, this sucker’s got plenty of fat. Trust me. But feel free to fatten it up with ground beef if it makes you happy. This is comfort food, not sad, skinny person food.

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2. Most people use bread crumbs in their meatloaf, but not this girl. Nope. I pound the shit out of pretzels and use those. Trust me. It sounds weird, but it gives it a little somethin’ somethin’. Again… Just go with it. I’m totally an expert here. I have a Girl Scout badge somewhere in a box, along with my Debbie Gibson cassettes.

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3. You may be tempted to just grab a bag of shredded cheese and toss it in as a shortcut. DON’T DO IT, LAZY!!! Sorry I yelled. But really, you need the chunks o’ cheese to create melty cheese pockets, and also, any straggler cubes that end up at the top of the meatloaf when you put it in the oven get all caramelized and delicious, and I don’t know about you guys, but I would strongly consider marrying caramelized cheese were it legal. It’s totally not weird. Also, feel free to use any type of hard cheese you’d like. I use Colby-Jack because I like my cheese like I like my men: Sharp and flavorful. And easy to pop into my mouth after chopping. Whoa. That sounded wrong. Onto the recipe!

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Paula’s Cheesy Turkey Meatloaf

Prep time: 15 minutes or thereabouts

Cooking time: 1 hour

Stuff you need:

  • 2 pounds ground turkey
  • 1 cup milk
  • 2 eggs
  • 1-1/2 cups pretzel crumbs
  • 3/4 pound Colby-Jack, or whatever kind of cheese tickles your pickle, chopped into cubes

What to do:

  1. Preheat oven to 400 degrees.
  2. Dump first 4 ingredients into large bowl. Super easy, right? At this point you can either mix with some sort of super strong spoon, or you can do what my momma always taught me- Just dig into that meat with your bare hands, like the cavemen did when they made meatloaf. That happened, right? Grunting noises optional. But way fun.
  3. Once mixed, fold in cubes of cheese until distributed evenly throughout.
  4. Throw it all into a loaf pan, and pop into the oven for 60 minutes.
  5. Remove from oven and let rest for 5 minutes, just so all the delicious fatty juices soak back up. Fat is yummy.
  6. Slice n’ serve!

Shit, I’m writing this at 8:00am, and now I want meatloaf for breakfast. This could be a bad situation.

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Suddenly Salmon

I have a confession to make.

In 4th grade, I changed the word ‘hit’ to ‘shit’ in a large number of school library books. I blame my three delinquent older brothers for this, fully. But that’s not really what I wanted to confess. Although, I do feel like a weight has been lifted. Thanks for being my priest, guys.

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Anyway, what I REALLY wanted to confess is that I. Hate. Salmon. Along with most other fish that appears to be delicious and that I really, really WANT to like, but every time I’ve tasted it, I’ve immediately had to spit it into a napkin as soon as that disgusting fishy taste hit my tastebuds. As you can imagine, this has gotten me blacklisted from many a fancy dinner party. That, and the fact I typically end up with a lampshade on my head. Whatever. What the hell are lampshades for anyway? Lamps? Psssh. Why are they so hat-shaped then? It’s very confusing.

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Shhhhh… The fish are sleeping.

But I’m getting off on a tangent now, when my real purpose for being here is to report that I’ve experienced a miracle! And not like that one time I found a Jesus-shaped Pringle. NO! This is bigger! You see, in an effort to eat healthier (In between weeks of eating bacon and gravy and French fries and tacos.), I decided to give salmon another shot. I was determined to like it, damn it, and to bask in the healthiness of all those Omega 3s. And BEHOLD! A delicious baked salmon dish was born! And holy shit, it’s delicious. Not to mention simple, and not even remotely fishy-tasting. And when I say that, I really mean it, because I am very fishy-taste sensitive. Girl Scout’s honor. I think I got kicked out of Girl Scouts for stealing Thin Mints, but still. Trust me.

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Here’s how you do it!

 Salmon-In-A-Packet 

(That’s sorta fun to say real fast.)

Prep time: Approximately 4.3 minutes.

Cooking time: 20 minutes. That’s it! Super fast and easy. Like your mom. HAHAHAHAHAHA! Sorry. Anyhooo…

Stuff you need (This recipe is for only 2 filets, but you can make more, too, if you’re real hungry. I did. I ain’t ashamed.):

  • 2 large rectangles of parchment paper, at least double the size of each filet
  • 2 – 6 oz fresh salmon filets
  • 1 lemon, sliced
  • 4 – 6 sprigs fresh rosemary
  • Salt, pepper, garlic powder to taste

 What to do:

  1. Preheat oven to 400 degrees.
  2. Salt, pepper, and garlic salmon filets on each side, and place in center of parchment paper square.
  3. Place rosemary sprigs on top of filets, followed by lemon slices.
  4. Fold up and crimp edges of parchment paper, creating a cozy, sealed salmon packet.
  5. Place packets in a large glass pan, or rimmed cookie sheet, whatever you got, and bake for 20 minutes.
  6. Remove from oven, carefully remove filets from packet, get rid of the lemon and rosemary (Or keep ‘em on there for presentation if you wanna be super fancy, but I wouldn’t recommend eating them.), and chow down on the moist flaky, non-fishy fish! You won’t be sorry.

I can’t believe I just used the word ‘moist’. I hate that word. But it really is moist. I can’t think of another word. Steamy? Wet? Neither of those sounds good either. Gotta go.

Where’s The Beef?

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Mmmmm… Butter.

Well, Mr. Ahi Tuna Man decided to jet set off to Key West for the weekend (The nerve of him!), so I was left to my own devices for Sunday night dinner. What to do… What to do? Well, luckily I had a little horseradish sauce and some cute little Yukon Gold potatoes left over from a quick mid-week salmon meal (Side note: I hate salmon normally, but this crap was delicious. I should’ve taken pictures and written down how I made it, but I was sick with a very bad cold, and I was also very hungry and had little patience for these things in my sinus pressurey state. Someone may have gotten hurt. Next time. I promise.), so I did what any red-blooded American woman would do in this situation: I bought myself a giant hunk of red meat.

*insert manly grunts that are still sorta somehow feminine-like here, like if Wilma Flintstone grunted over a Brontosaurus Burger*

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DON’T LOOK AT ME, PERVERT! I’M SKINNY DIPPING!!

I’ve never been a big fan of the beef roast, because I used to have a tendency to dry it out and be required to then dump a giant puddle of Worcestershire sauce on it, but NO MORE! I discovered the secret to great beef roast. Wanna know it? Come closer. A little closer. *forehead flick* HAHAHAHAHAHA! Gotcha! Anyhoo… I discovered the answer is to keep it simple, stupid. No, you’re not stupid. It was an expression. You’re just a little slow. And that’s ok. So like I was saying, a little butter, a little soy, bada-boom bada-bing (Or some other less Italian expression, because this is beef, not pasta, silly.), and here you have it!

Here’s My Beef!

Prep time: Stupidly fast.

Cooking time: 50 minutes or so, depending how bloody you want your hunk o’ red meat.

 Stuff you need:

  • 2 – 3 lb beef tenderloin roast
  • ½ cup melted butter
  • ¾ cup soy sauce

 What you do:

  1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
  2. Combine butter n’ soy in small bowl
  3. Throw beef roast in a shallow glass baking pan.
  4. Dump butter mixture directly on top of roast. Make noises like your beef roast is having a lovely day at the pool.
  5. Stick it in the preheated oven for 10 minutes or thereabouts, then flip that puppy over so the other side gets some buttery soy sauce lovin’.
  6. Continue baking for 35 minutes or so, or to desired doneness, basting occasionally with all the fattening and delicious butter, because butter is our friend. Write that down.
  7. Let your meat rest (Because it’s exhausting swimming in soy.) for 10 minutes or so.
  8. Slice that sucker up and enjoy that meat in your mouth.

 BUT WAIT! There’s more!

 As an added bonus, here’s the recipe for my horseradish sauce, because it’s really pretty yummy with this:

  • ¾ cup sour cream
  • ¼ cup prepared horseradish
  • 1 teaspoon minced fresh dill
  • A little lemon zest (I didn’t measure it, really, I just zested that sucker until it looked about right. Don’t make it too lemony, because gross. Don’t screw it up! No pressure.)

 Combine all the stuff in a bowl, and that is all!

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Saucing up your meat is completely optional. But I highly recommend it.

Thank you.

You Feta Eat All Your Veggies! (See what I did there? I kill me.)

So, after a couple months or so of hopping on and then falling off the healthy eating wagon, Mr. Ahi Tuna Man (Yes, he’s still around. I’m telling you, he keeps feeding me martinis and I just can’t bring myself to give him the boot10994930_10155173023155551_1943565638982608194_n. Plus, he’s sorta cute. Don’t tell him I said that.) and I decided to go full-on Sunday night healthy this week. Go us! Can I get a “WHAT WHAT!” for some whole grains and veggies?!?!?

 

*crickets*

 

Ok, ok, I’ll admit it’s not nearly as exciting and drool-inducing as stuff loaded with fatty sauces and cheese and bacon (Mmmm… bacon.), but this is actually really freakin’ tasty, if I do say so myself. I also didn’t even feel like a giant lard ass after eating it. That’ll come this weekend when I shove some poutine in my face. I’m all about being healthy, guys. Clearly. I wonder if I could do a quinoa and b10978631_10155173022440551_746204137923659992_nrown rice poutine? Hmm… Whole grains and cheese curds and gravy. Oh my. I’ll have to sleep on this.

 

Anyway, here’s something healthy for you guys! Something to make you feel good, for those days after you overeat short ribs and drink too many girly martinis. Not that I did that Saturday night. Nope. Not me. Gotta run.

 

You Feta Eat All Your Veggies! Bowl

 

Prep/Cooking time: This all depends how fancy you wanna get. I roasted my own red pepper and may have caused a small kitchen fire, so it took longer than normal. Start to finish for me, excluding fire extinguishing, was 30 minutes or so.

 

Stuff you need:

  • I used a pre-packaged brown rice/quinoa blend, but you could really use any healthy whole grain you want to- Quinoa, brown rice, couscous, whole wheat pasta, yada yada. You get the point. Just no Captain Crunch. That would not be tasty at all.
  • 1 tablespoon olive oil
  • 2 cups fresh mushrooms, sliced
  • 4 cups fresh baby spinach
  • 6 oz chicken breast, cooked and cubed (You can leave this out if you wanna go all hard core vegetarian-like. Weirdo.)
  • 1 roasted red pepper, chopped (I made my own by charring it on the stove and then peeling and chopping it, but you can get the jarred ones if you want. I’ll only look down upon you a little bit.)
  • ¼ cup jarred marinated artichoke hearts, drained and chopped
  • ¾ cup kalamata or black olives, whole (I recommend buying the pitted kind, because one time I chipped a tooth unsuspectingly biting into a kalamata pit at a Greek wedding and had to repair it with cake frosting. Shit got weird.)
  • 1 cup crumbled feta cheese
  • Minced garlic, sea salt, pepper, red pepper flakes to taste 

What to do:

  1. Cook whatever whole grain stuff you got according to package instructions, set aside.
  2. Dump the EVOO (Extra virgin olive oil. Sorry I went all Rachael Ray there. You can kick my ass if you want now.) into a giant  wok-like pan, or whatever big pan you have that’ll fit a crapload of fresh baby spinach.
  3. Toss in the sliced  mushrooms and sauté on medium-high heat, stirring ‘em around occasionally, until they start to brown a bit.
  4. Dump your spinach in the same pan and sauté, again stirring around occasionally, until it’s all cooked down and wilty. Reduce heat to low.
  5. Throw in the cooked and sliced chicken, roasted red pepper, chopped artichokes, kalamatas, and quinoa stuff; Cook, stirring frequently, just for about 2 or 3 minutes, just until hot, but not ‘scald your face off’ hot. Remove from heat.
  6. Throw in the crumbled feta, minced garlic, salt n’ pepa and stuff, and mix it all together until it’s way yummy.
  7. Spoon into bowls and go to Healthy Town.

 

I’m so technical, huh? I should really have my own Food Network show. This is some fancy ‘mix until it’s way yummy’ stuff happening right here.

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I’m Here! I’m Here! Wait! Don’t Leave!

Happy Wednesday, five people who read my blog! Hey… Looks like I have a couple new blog followers… There may even be SIX of you by now! Holy cats!

Anyway, I bet a lot of you are wondering where I’ve been. I know, it’s probably keeping you up at night. I get that a lot. Well you see, I met this handsome gentleman on Hollywood Boulevard last week, and he paid me $3,000 to spend the week with… Hang on… Is this the plot to Pretty Woman? Oh man, I get us confused all the time. However, I did sing a Prince song in the bathtub last night, so Vivian the hooker and I are practically the same person. Except I’m prettier. And I probably cook way better. And that whole getting paid for sex thing. Whatever. In all reality, I just haven’t been doing much cooking lately because I’ve been dieting, and surviving on couscous and smoothies, and those are just no fun to blog about. I’m also so weak that I can barely lift my poor little shriveled and starving hands to type this. I can button my jeans now, though, so there’s that.

(Insert cry for help here.)

I promise I’ll be back soon with lots of delicious and super healthy (Well… sorta. Maybe. Not likely, actually.) recipes, as well as stories about Mr. Ahi Tuna Man and all the help he gives me in the kitchen by watching me open things, forgetting to buy lemons, and occasionally shredding cheese for me so I don’t shred my knuckles into the mozzarella again. I’m pretty sure that’s a selfish move on his part. But PFFFFFFFFFFFT (infinite Fs)- You could hardly taste the blood in that last pizza. Such a whiner he is.

I just wanted to pop in and say I’m ok and to put all of your minds at ease. You’re welcome.

And here is a picture of my dog eating my high heel, which probably has more flavor than my lunch today.

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Olé! It’s January!

Happy New Year, loyal readers! Umm… All five of you. It’s so depressing when the holidays are over, isn’t it? But holy shit, I think I gained approximately 42 pounds over the holidays, so it’s good to be back to our regularly scheduled programming, I suppose. So, in light of the fact that all I can currently fit into is stretchy pants, Mr. Ahi Tuna Man and I have decided to cook some healthy stuff for a while. Nothing crazy like tofu or quinoa or anything of a hippie vegetarian nature, don’t worry. Let’s not get nuts here. Although, I will admit that I have eaten both tofu and quinoa in the past, and I suppose they aren’t THAT bad. Especially covered in melted Velveeta and bacon.

Anyhoo…

After the craziness of the holidays, Mr. Ahi Tuna Man and I, after taking an unavoidable hiatus from our usual biweekly lazy Sundays, finally had a lazy Sunday last weekend! And what goes better with a frigid Midwest winter lazy Sunday than some spicy meat in a crock pot, huh? And margaritas. I suppose, in retrospect, maybe margaritas may have defeated the purpose of a healthy meal, but whatever. They were light. Stop judging us.

Here we go, folks!

 Cinco De January-O Crock Pot Carnitas!

 Prep time: 15 minutes, give or take

Cooking time: 8 hours in da pot, then a few minutes of post-pot pork shredding

 Ingredients:

  • 2 – 2-1/2 pound pork shoulder roast (Technically, I think you should probably trim off the fatty parts because they are bad, but I didn’t want to shock my body with lack of fat, so I did not. Trim the fat if you wish, skinny bastards.)
  • Minced garlic
  • Cumin
  • Dry adobo seasoning
  • Garlic powder
  • 1 cup chicken broth
  • 3 – 4 chipotle peppers in adobo sauce (Or more if you want it WAY spicy so your body will go into inferno mode and burn off the margaritas. That’s what I did. I’m pretty sure it worked. Ok, probably not. It was worth a try, though.)
  • 2 bay leaves

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    Mmm… Meat.

  1.  Fire up a skillet on the stovetop at about medium-high heat, and give the pork roast a good sear on all sides. If you’re like me, you will place the pork on its side and it will fall over repeatedly before you resign yourself to the fact you will probably have to stand and hold it there with tongs. Once it’s got a pretty brown sear on all sides, remove from heat and let it cool until you can rub it without having to go to the ER with first degree pork burns.
  2. Once cool, cut 6 or 7 small holes into the pork roast using a sharp kitchen knife; Poke minced garlic into holes with your fingers. You can make, “TAKE THAT, PORK ROAST!” sounds as you do this if you wish. I did. Also, make sure your fingers are clean. Nobody likes to be poked with dirty fingers. Season with cumin, adobo seasoning, and garlic powder, and rub that puppy like it’s your new porky boyfriend and you’re giving him a birthday massage.
  3. Pour chicken broth into crock pot, then add the chipotles and bay leaves. Throw the pork in the crock pot and cover with lid. Cook on low for 8 hours, periodically flipping the pork roast so all the yummy chipotle flavor will seep into both sides.

    Mmm... Meat.

    Mmm… More meat.

  4. After about 8 hours (Ok, ok… I couldn’t wait the whole 8 hours. I only cooked mine 7. Or 6-1/2. I blame my growling stomach and the scent of chipotle.), remove the pork roast from the crock pot, and fish out the bay leaves if you can find ‘em. Shred the pork with a couple of forks, then dump all the shredded meat back in the pot to mix with all the spicy shit still in there. Let it cook another 10 – 15, then you’re good to make some tacos! Or a big unhealthy pile of spicy meat covered with avocado and cheese and sour cream. Not that I’d ever do that sort of thing. Nope. Not this girl. All healthy, all 2015. Or at least until Friday. Maybe.

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    Pork! Olé!

It’s The Greek-in’ Weekend!!

See what I did there with the title? Get it?? I kill me.

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Chunks o’ feta make me happy.

Anyway… Mr. Ahi Tuna Man and I decided this week that maybe we should try to do something a little healthy-ish for our bodies, what with all the pizza and cookie eating we’ve been doing, so I decided, “What the hell, let’s stuff some shit inside some chicken and see what happens.”. I also happen to LOVE anything Greek- Feta, spinach, kalamata olives (I also just love saying ‘kalamata’ because it’s fun. Kalamata. Kalamata.), so I thought to myself, “GREEK STUFFED CHICKEN!! OPA!!”. Then I did some sort of dance I think I saw in ‘My Big Fat Greek Wedding’ or something. I dunno. There was some clapping and stomping.

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Help us! We need to be baked! We’re NAKED!!

I would also like to note that this recipe was supposed to include lemon, but SOMEONE (I won’t name names.) (It was Mr. Ahi Tuna Man.) forgot to buy a lemon. And I feel the lemon really would’ve added something here, so I included it in my recipe down there. I’m still trying to recover from the trauma of being lemonless. I need a moment.

Ok, I’m done.

I also whipped up a simple tomato sauce thing, just so my breasts wouldn’t be naked. My chicken breasts, I mean. I only put tomato sauce on my breasts on special occasions.

Here we go!

CHICKEN!! OPA!!

Prep time Fully dependent upon your chopping and breast stuffing expertise. I was a novice. I was stuffing those breasts for a good 12 minutes or so. Ok, some of that was just because it was fun.

Cooking time: 20 – 25 minutes, or until they won’t give you salmonella.

Ingredients:

For the chicken:

  • 4 chicken breasts (big fat ones that you can cut a little pocket into)
  • baby spinach, chopped (I used about half a bag of the fresh stuff. You could probably use frozen, but frankly, I am not a fan of spinach you have to squish water from.)
  • 2 tablespoons capers
  • Kalamata olives, chopped (However many you want. Whatever tickles your pickle.)
  • 1/2 cup crumbled feta cheese
  • juice from 1 lemon (Don’t let anyone forget your Goddamn lemon!!)

For the sauce:

  • 2 cloves fresh garlic, minced
  • 1 tablespoon olive oil
  • 1 can crushed tomatoes (I could only find the giant-ass can of these, but I only used about half.)
  • Dry white wine to taste (I used $4 Chardonnay. Which is way better than Chardonnbee. Hahahaha! I’m sorry.)
  1. Preheat oven to 425 degrees.
  2. Mix together all the ingredients up there, except for the chicken of course (duh), in a bowl.
  3. Cut a little pocket in the side of the chicken breasts and shove that spinach feta stuff right up in there. Stuff it like you mean it. Awwww yeah. Just like that. Secure with toothpicks if you need to, so your breasts won’t leak while baking.
  4. Put ’em in a 9×13 pan, sprinkle with salt & pepper and whatever other various seasonings you wanna, and stick ’em in the oven for 20 – 25 minutes, or until they aren’t pink any more. You know how to cook chicken.
  5. While those are baking, prepare the sauce! Heat the olive oil in a skillet over medium heat, toss in the garlic, and cook until the garlic starts to smell yummy.
  6. Dump in your crushed tomatoes, stir those around a little, then add a little white wine, because cooking with booze is fun. Cook that over low – medium heat until it gets kinda bubbly and hot. (Side note: You could probably skip the wine part, but I think white wine gives stuff kind of a smoky delicious flavor. Just do it. Also, you will have leftover wine, and that’s always good. )
  7. Remove your chicken from the oven, let it rest a couple minutes (because Alton Brown says you’re supposed to do that), then slap it on a plate, spoon some sauce on it, and OPA!! Eat it like a Greek. I dunno. I just like saying OPA!!! Gotta go.

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