Suddenly Salmon

I have a confession to make.

In 4th grade, I changed the word ‘hit’ to ‘shit’ in a large number of school library books. I blame my three delinquent older brothers for this, fully. But that’s not really what I wanted to confess. Although, I do feel like a weight has been lifted. Thanks for being my priest, guys.


Anyway, what I REALLY wanted to confess is that I. Hate. Salmon. Along with most other fish that appears to be delicious and that I really, really WANT to like, but every time I’ve tasted it, I’ve immediately had to spit it into a napkin as soon as that disgusting fishy taste hit my tastebuds. As you can imagine, this has gotten me blacklisted from many a fancy dinner party. That, and the fact I typically end up with a lampshade on my head. Whatever. What the hell are lampshades for anyway? Lamps? Psssh. Why are they so hat-shaped then? It’s very confusing.


Shhhhh… The fish are sleeping.

But I’m getting off on a tangent now, when my real purpose for being here is to report that I’ve experienced a miracle! And not like that one time I found a Jesus-shaped Pringle. NO! This is bigger! You see, in an effort to eat healthier (In between weeks of eating bacon and gravy and French fries and tacos.), I decided to give salmon another shot. I was determined to like it, damn it, and to bask in the healthiness of all those Omega 3s. And BEHOLD! A delicious baked salmon dish was born! And holy shit, it’s delicious. Not to mention simple, and not even remotely fishy-tasting. And when I say that, I really mean it, because I am very fishy-taste sensitive. Girl Scout’s honor. I think I got kicked out of Girl Scouts for stealing Thin Mints, but still. Trust me.


Here’s how you do it!


(That’s sorta fun to say real fast.)

Prep time: Approximately 4.3 minutes.

Cooking time: 20 minutes. That’s it! Super fast and easy. Like your mom. HAHAHAHAHAHA! Sorry. Anyhooo…

Stuff you need (This recipe is for only 2 filets, but you can make more, too, if you’re real hungry. I did. I ain’t ashamed.):

  • 2 large rectangles of parchment paper, at least double the size of each filet
  • 2 – 6 oz fresh salmon filets
  • 1 lemon, sliced
  • 4 – 6 sprigs fresh rosemary
  • Salt, pepper, garlic powder to taste

 What to do:

  1. Preheat oven to 400 degrees.
  2. Salt, pepper, and garlic salmon filets on each side, and place in center of parchment paper square.
  3. Place rosemary sprigs on top of filets, followed by lemon slices.
  4. Fold up and crimp edges of parchment paper, creating a cozy, sealed salmon packet.
  5. Place packets in a large glass pan, or rimmed cookie sheet, whatever you got, and bake for 20 minutes.
  6. Remove from oven, carefully remove filets from packet, get rid of the lemon and rosemary (Or keep ‘em on there for presentation if you wanna be super fancy, but I wouldn’t recommend eating them.), and chow down on the moist flaky, non-fishy fish! You won’t be sorry.

I can’t believe I just used the word ‘moist’. I hate that word. But it really is moist. I can’t think of another word. Steamy? Wet? Neither of those sounds good either. Gotta go.


Where’s The Beef?


Mmmmm… Butter.

Well, Mr. Ahi Tuna Man decided to jet set off to Key West for the weekend (The nerve of him!), so I was left to my own devices for Sunday night dinner. What to do… What to do? Well, luckily I had a little horseradish sauce and some cute little Yukon Gold potatoes left over from a quick mid-week salmon meal (Side note: I hate salmon normally, but this crap was delicious. I should’ve taken pictures and written down how I made it, but I was sick with a very bad cold, and I was also very hungry and had little patience for these things in my sinus pressurey state. Someone may have gotten hurt. Next time. I promise.), so I did what any red-blooded American woman would do in this situation: I bought myself a giant hunk of red meat.

*insert manly grunts that are still sorta somehow feminine-like here, like if Wilma Flintstone grunted over a Brontosaurus Burger*



I’ve never been a big fan of the beef roast, because I used to have a tendency to dry it out and be required to then dump a giant puddle of Worcestershire sauce on it, but NO MORE! I discovered the secret to great beef roast. Wanna know it? Come closer. A little closer. *forehead flick* HAHAHAHAHAHA! Gotcha! Anyhoo… I discovered the answer is to keep it simple, stupid. No, you’re not stupid. It was an expression. You’re just a little slow. And that’s ok. So like I was saying, a little butter, a little soy, bada-boom bada-bing (Or some other less Italian expression, because this is beef, not pasta, silly.), and here you have it!

Here’s My Beef!

Prep time: Stupidly fast.

Cooking time: 50 minutes or so, depending how bloody you want your hunk o’ red meat.

 Stuff you need:

  • 2 – 3 lb beef tenderloin roast
  • ½ cup melted butter
  • ¾ cup soy sauce

 What you do:

  1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
  2. Combine butter n’ soy in small bowl
  3. Throw beef roast in a shallow glass baking pan.
  4. Dump butter mixture directly on top of roast. Make noises like your beef roast is having a lovely day at the pool.
  5. Stick it in the preheated oven for 10 minutes or thereabouts, then flip that puppy over so the other side gets some buttery soy sauce lovin’.
  6. Continue baking for 35 minutes or so, or to desired doneness, basting occasionally with all the fattening and delicious butter, because butter is our friend. Write that down.
  7. Let your meat rest (Because it’s exhausting swimming in soy.) for 10 minutes or so.
  8. Slice that sucker up and enjoy that meat in your mouth.

 BUT WAIT! There’s more!

 As an added bonus, here’s the recipe for my horseradish sauce, because it’s really pretty yummy with this:

  • ¾ cup sour cream
  • ¼ cup prepared horseradish
  • 1 teaspoon minced fresh dill
  • A little lemon zest (I didn’t measure it, really, I just zested that sucker until it looked about right. Don’t make it too lemony, because gross. Don’t screw it up! No pressure.)

 Combine all the stuff in a bowl, and that is all!


Saucing up your meat is completely optional. But I highly recommend it.

Thank you.