I’m Here! I’m Here! Wait! Don’t Leave!

Happy Wednesday, five people who read my blog! Hey… Looks like I have a couple new blog followers… There may even be SIX of you by now! Holy cats!

Anyway, I bet a lot of you are wondering where I’ve been. I know, it’s probably keeping you up at night. I get that a lot. Well you see, I met this handsome gentleman on Hollywood Boulevard last week, and he paid me $3,000 to spend the week with… Hang on… Is this the plot to Pretty Woman? Oh man, I get us confused all the time. However, I did sing a Prince song in the bathtub last night, so Vivian the hooker and I are practically the same person. Except I’m prettier. And I probably cook way better. And that whole getting paid for sex thing. Whatever. In all reality, I just haven’t been doing much cooking lately because I’ve been dieting, and surviving on couscous and smoothies, and those are just no fun to blog about. I’m also so weak that I can barely lift my poor little shriveled and starving hands to type this. I can button my jeans now, though, so there’s that.

(Insert cry for help here.)

I promise I’ll be back soon with lots of delicious and super healthy (Well… sorta. Maybe. Not likely, actually.) recipes, as well as stories about Mr. Ahi Tuna Man and all the help he gives me in the kitchen by watching me open things, forgetting to buy lemons, and occasionally shredding cheese for me so I don’t shred my knuckles into the mozzarella again. I’m pretty sure that’s a selfish move on his part. But PFFFFFFFFFFFT (infinite Fs)- You could hardly taste the blood in that last pizza. Such a whiner he is.

I just wanted to pop in and say I’m ok and to put all of your minds at ease. You’re welcome.

And here is a picture of my dog eating my high heel, which probably has more flavor than my lunch today.

Olé! It’s January!

Happy New Year, loyal readers! Umm… All five of you. It’s so depressing when the holidays are over, isn’t it? But holy shit, I think I gained approximately 42 pounds over the holidays, so it’s good to be back to our regularly scheduled programming, I suppose. So, in light of the fact that all I can currently fit into is stretchy pants, Mr. Ahi Tuna Man and I have decided to cook some healthy stuff for a while. Nothing crazy like tofu or quinoa or anything of a hippie vegetarian nature, don’t worry. Let’s not get nuts here. Although, I will admit that I have eaten both tofu and quinoa in the past, and I suppose they aren’t THAT bad. Especially covered in melted Velveeta and bacon.

Anyhoo…

After the craziness of the holidays, Mr. Ahi Tuna Man and I, after taking an unavoidable hiatus from our usual biweekly lazy Sundays, finally had a lazy Sunday last weekend! And what goes better with a frigid Midwest winter lazy Sunday than some spicy meat in a crock pot, huh? And margaritas. I suppose, in retrospect, maybe margaritas may have defeated the purpose of a healthy meal, but whatever. They were light. Stop judging us.

Here we go, folks!

 Cinco De January-O Crock Pot Carnitas!

 Prep time: 15 minutes, give or take

Cooking time: 8 hours in da pot, then a few minutes of post-pot pork shredding

 Ingredients:

• 2 – 2-1/2 pound pork shoulder roast (Technically, I think you should probably trim off the fatty parts because they are bad, but I didn’t want to shock my body with lack of fat, so I did not. Trim the fat if you wish, skinny bastards.)
• Minced garlic
• Cumin
• Dry adobo seasoning
• Garlic powder
• 1 cup chicken broth
• 3 – 4 chipotle peppers in adobo sauce (Or more if you want it WAY spicy so your body will go into inferno mode and burn off the margaritas. That’s what I did. I’m pretty sure it worked. Ok, probably not. It was worth a try, though.)
• 2 bay leaves
  

  Mmm… Meat.

1.  Fire up a skillet on the stovetop at about medium-high heat, and give the pork roast a good sear on all sides. If you’re like me, you will place the pork on its side and it will fall over repeatedly before you resign yourself to the fact you will probably have to stand and hold it there with tongs. Once it’s got a pretty brown sear on all sides, remove from heat and let it cool until you can rub it without having to go to the ER with first degree pork burns.
2. Once cool, cut 6 or 7 small holes into the pork roast using a sharp kitchen knife; Poke minced garlic into holes with your fingers. You can make, “TAKE THAT, PORK ROAST!” sounds as you do this if you wish. I did. Also, make sure your fingers are clean. Nobody likes to be poked with dirty fingers. Season with cumin, adobo seasoning, and garlic powder, and rub that puppy like it’s your new porky boyfriend and you’re giving him a birthday massage.
3. Pour chicken broth into crock pot, then add the chipotles and bay leaves. Throw the pork in the crock pot and cover with lid. Cook on low for 8 hours, periodically flipping the pork roast so all the yummy chipotle flavor will seep into both sides.
   

   Mmm… More meat.

4. After about 8 hours (Ok, ok… I couldn’t wait the whole 8 hours. I only cooked mine 7. Or 6-1/2. I blame my growling stomach and the scent of chipotle.), remove the pork roast from the crock pot, and fish out the bay leaves if you can find ‘em. Shred the pork with a couple of forks, then dump all the shredded meat back in the pot to mix with all the spicy shit still in there. Let it cook another 10 – 15, then you’re good to make some tacos! Or a big unhealthy pile of spicy meat covered with avocado and cheese and sour cream. Not that I’d ever do that sort of thing. Nope. Not this girl. All healthy, all 2015. Or at least until Friday. Maybe.

   

   Pork! Olé!