When The Moon Hits Your Eye Like A Big Key Lime Pie

Great, now I have ‘That’s Amore’ stuck in my head.

Anyway… Can I tell you guys something personal? No, it doesn’t have anything to do with the weird Meatwad-shaped mole on my stomach. It has to do with pie. Key Lime, to be specific. I fell in love with Key Lime pie approximately 5 years ago, after I decided I’d like to know what all the hype is about regarding this pie that I had always been pretty sure would taste just like the lime Jell-O mold that Aunt Sally always brought to 4th of July barbecues, and that my face inevitably ended up in after calling one of my big brothers an asshole. It was a trauma thing. My childhood was like a war zone with three older brothers, I tell ya. I’ll talk more about that over a glass of scotch and some cigars someday.

But like I was saying, since that time, I’ve tried many, many Key Lime recipes. I’ve hunted down Key Limes, squeezed the shit out of them, I’ve crushed graham crackers and spent hours pressing them into a pie pan, only to realize one day, that I had found the perfect Key Lime recipe, and it’s likely that it is the simplest and most delicious thing in the world. Seriously. Even one of those creepy Geico cavemen could make it. Although, I’d be scared a few of those unkempt beard hairs would end up in my pie, and that would be no good at all. I prefer my Key Lime pie with no wiry hairs. It’s a thing I have.

Anyway, here is the greatest recipe ever for Key Lime Pie! It’s really all about buying the right Key Lime juice, and I swear nobody has paid me to write this, but I’ve found Nellie & Joe’s Famous Key Lime Juice to be the very best. I had a hard time finding it at first, but now it seems to be at every local grocery store near me. I will gladly accept cash from either Nellie or Joe if they’re reading this. HELLO, NELLIE AND JOE! MOMMA NEEDS A NEW PAIR OF FABULOUS HEELS! (My dog ate mine again. He’s got a shoe fetish, that one. He may need doggie therapy.)

I’ll admit that this recipe is actually right smack on the back of the bottle. I take no credit for it, I’m just sharing because it’s the best I’ve ever made. I’ve tried tweaking many a Key Lime pie recipe to make it my own, including, but not limited to, adding bacon (Which has led me to the conclusion that, contrary to popular belief, bacon does not, in fact, make everything better. Bacon and lime. Bad combo.), but this recipe is perfection, and I’m pretty pissed off that it’s not mine. I proudly and lazily buy premade pie crust, pre-juiced Key Limes, and I use canned whipped cream. Sure, I may be frowned upon by the Food Network crowd, but frankly, my dear, my pie and I don’t give a damn. Overachieving bastards.

Tucked in safely next to the booze…

Key Lime Pie

Prep time: 6 minutes (I timed it.)

Baking time: 15 minutes

Chillin’ time: Whaaaaaatevs, man. Just chillin’.

Stuff you need:

• 1 – 14 oz can sweetened condensed milk
• 3 egg yolks (JUST the yolks. Dump the whites. Or save them and add a little lemon juice to make yourself a homemade pore-reducing mask. See, you get a pie AND beauty tips. You’re welcome.)
• 1/2 cup Nellie & Joe’s Famous Key Lime Juice (If you choose another juice, I take no responsibility for your pie’s deliciousness.)
• 1 – 9” premade graham cracker crust.

 What you do:

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
2. Dump first three ingredients into medium bowl, and whip it. Whip it good. Actually, don’t whip it. I just wanted to say that. I just give it a good whisk by hand until it’s combined well. You don’t even have to pull out the mixer. See? I told you. Simple enough for a caveman with a whisk.
3. Pour mixture into crust.
4. Bake for 15 minutes, remove from oven, let it sit out for 10 minutes, then stick in the fridge until cool.
5. Cut into slices if you want to share, or just cover the entire pie with whipped cream and sit down on the couch with a fork, watch daytime TV, and make growly noises at anyone who comes too close. That’s what I do. Only had to wrestle someone once.