The Oatmeal Scotchie Debacle Of 2014

I learned two things this weekend:

1. Never wear brand new high heeled shoes to meet your Mr. Ahi Tuna Man’s friends for the first time, unless you want to end up walking like a wounded moose before appetizers arrive., AND:

2. Never, EVER, under ANY circumstances, be a lazy asshole and turn your favorite cookies into bar cookies because you don’t want to have to keep getting up from the couch.

 *Sigh*

 Oh, the shame.

 Don’t get me wrong, these suckers are still delicious. Perhaps if I’d not been mildly hung over and wanted to take a shortcut to Baked Butterscotch Town (How cool would it be if that was a real place? I’d totally go live there. Especially if Caramel City was right next door. Holy shit. I’d die.) (Moving along now. Tangent.), these would have potentially been the best damn oatmeal butterscotch cookies I’ve made thus far in my 22-ish (Give or take 15 years. Whatever.) years on this earth. We will never know. I learned my lesson. The hard way. But seriously, make these in cookie form, because they are delightful (Yes, I used the word ‘delightful’.), and they taste like home, and comfort, and Baked Butterscotch Town baked good happiness.

 I’m gonna give you the recipe like if I’d  made it the right way, and we’ll just pretend the whole cookie bar thing never happened, k? K.

Now… come closer for a second.

Closer.

Closer.

Ok, too close. Creeper.

Drinking RumChata while baking is completely optional. Not for me. But for most.

Anyway… Don’t tell anyone, but my secret for perfect cookies is to replace half the butter that’s called for in most cookie recipes with Crisco butter-flavored shortening. Some may say this is gross. Those people would be very wrong and should definitely be kicked in the kneecaps. I find the Crisco gives the cookies light, crispy edges while still maintaining a moist and chewy center. Just trust me on this. If I’m wrong, well, you don’t know where I live, so whatever. Come at me, bro.

But seriously… I cannot emphasize this enough… Make these. In cookie form. Not bar form. Learn from my mistakes, folks.

 Here we go!

Pass The Oats N’ Scotch Cookies:

Prep time: I mixed ’em up the old-fashioned way, mostly because Mr. Ahi Tuna Man has no Kitchenaid mixer. I swear, he’s like some kind of caveman. Anyway, it still only took about 10 minutes to whip this crap up.

Cooking time: 9 – 10 minutes per batch or thereabouts. Don’t burn them. No pressure.

Ingredients:

• 1 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
• 1 teaspoon baking soda
• 1/2 teaspoon baking powder
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
• 1/4 teaspoon allspice (I like mine all spiced and shit.)
• 1/2 cup (1 stick) butter (I don’t like to use margarine, but I suppose you could if you had to. Heathen.)
  
• 1 stick butter-flavored shortening
• 3/4 cup granulated sugar
• 3/4 cup packed brown sugar
• 2 large eggs
• 1 teaspoon vanilla
  
• 3 cups old-fashioned oats (I like the ones with the Quaker man on them.)
  
• 1 package butterscotch chips, minus 5 – 6 chips because I ate them

1. Preheat oven to 375° F.
2. Mix together your flour, baking soda, salt and cinnamon in small bowl. (Actually, sometimes I don’t even do this, I just dump everything in one big bowl and beat the crap out of it. I’m a bad baker. We’ve already established that I’m lazy. Whatever. Move along. Nothing to see here, people.)
3. Beat butter, granulated sugar, brown sugar, eggs and vanilla in a big-ass bowl. Gradually beat in flour mixture (Or just dump n’ mix, like I said up there.). Stir in oats and morsels. If you’re doing this by hand, your arm will really, really hurt by now.
   
4. Drop it like it’s hot onto ungreased baking sheets.
5. Bake 9 -10 minutes for crisp cookies. You can take them out sooner if you like them soft and chewy, though. Freak.
6. Cool on baking sheets for 2 minutes; remove to wire racks to cool completely. Or onto cheap paper towels. That’s what I do. We’re not fancy around here.
7. Eat all cookies. Do not share.

Stupid bar cookies. They still looked pretty damn good, though. Right? They’re good. Just not COOKIE good. I shall try again. Mark my words. I AM NOT FINISHED YET!!! And…. Scene.